While you, and everyone else, are worried about your parent who has cancer it is really important that you take the time to look after yourself.

It’s not selfish – if you don’t take care of yourself then you can’t take care of anyone else. You’ll need all your strength to get through the tough times.

Taking care of your body

The basics:

• Eat well throughout the day. Your body needs the right fuel – regularly – to keep running.

• Get plenty of sleep.

• Get regular exercise.

• Stay away from drugs and alcohol.

Sounds simple, but easier said than done, with everything else going on in your life right now.

Taking care of your mind

What goes on in your head can have a huge impact on happens in your body. Stress does weird stuff to you, so taking care of your mind is really important.

• Learn how to relax. Try out different coping strategies to help you relax and feel in control.

• Take time to chill with your friends.

• Deal with the small stuff so that you don’t spend time and energy worrying about it.

• Talk to people about how you are feeling.

• Write your thoughts and feelings down.

• Laugh.

• Connect with other young people who are in a similar situation and understand what you’re going through. Log in to the Canteen Community or find out more about our support groups and programs.

Things that won't help

• Behaving badly or doing risky things. Swearing, biting your parent’s head off, skipping school, driving too fast/recklessly and isolating yourself from friends are ‘unhealthy’ outlets for frustration and stress.

• Using drugs, alcohol or smoking might seem like a way to block out the hard feelings. But it can actually make the stresses of cancer even harder to deal with. After a drugs or drinking session lots of people feel really down for days afterwards. This can make everything feel a little bit harder.

Hurting yourself or others

It’s normal to feel p*ssed off. But there are safe ways to vent it without taking it out on yourself or others. If you hurt yourself, or have before and are worried you may do it again, tell someone you trust. There are lots of things that can help, including talking to a counsellor.

There is no right or wrong way to deal with the news that your mum or dad has cancer.

You may feel overwhelmed, angry, scared, confused or numb, or all of these throughout a day.

Some people describe it as an emotional rollercoaster – you’re going through huge ups and downs with no control over the direction you’re heading.

You have probably at least once asked ‘Why me?’. And then you probably felt guilty for thinking about how their cancer affects you, when your mum or dad is the one with the disease. It’s okay to feel all these things.
 

Dealing with feelings

Some people are comfortable sharing their feelings, and some people just hope that if you ignore them they will go away. They don’t. Feelings are not good or bad, they are just feelings.

Some of the emotions that other young people who’ve been through this have described are:

• Shock/disbelief. A pretty natural reaction to hearing that your parent has cancer. Even if you thought that something was wrong with your mum or dad, you probably weren’t expecting it would be cancer.

• Scared. Doesn’t matter how tough, grown up or brave you are – finding out your parent has cancer can scare the crap out of you. Often you’ll feel less scared when you get more info about what is likely to happen.

• Angry. Feeling angry that your parent has cancer is pretty normal. It’s okay to be angry, but there are good ways and bad ways to deal with it.

• Sad. Obviously. But if the sadness never stops and starts to get in the way of you doing other things then you may need to get some help. Check for signs you’re not coping.

• Guilty. You may get ‘the guilts’ big time about your parent’s cancer. This could be because: you’re healthy and they’re not, you’ve wished bad things would happen to them or argued with them, or you wish you didn’t have to do the extra things that you may have to do.

• Nothing. Sometimes you may feel nothing. This can be connected to shock or disbelief. It can also be about being too busy in your own life (school/study, a new boyfriend/girlfriend). It doesn’t mean you don’t care – it’s just that you may take time to deal with it.

• Neglected. With so much of everyone’s energy and focus going into your sick parent it may feel like you are being left out or forgotten.

• Embarrassed. Your parent may look different and perhaps act a bit different because of the cancer. People may also ask questions that you don’t know how to answer. Having a parent with cancer can make you feel different and that is not always easy to handle.

All these feelings are normal and okay, but if you feel like you’re ‘stuck’ in one or you have no control any more, talk to someone who can help. Talk to a Canteen counsellor online, by phone or face-to-face.

When your mum or dad is having treatment or really sick, you might feel like your normal life has been stolen from you. You might have to take on a lot more responsibilities and not get to do your usual activities as much. If you had moved out of the family home, you might move back to help while your mum or dad is having treatment.

Most of the time you understand why these changes are necessary and probably just get on with it. But it’s okay to wish that sometimes you could just go out and do normal fun things. You can start to feel frustrated, isolated, guilty and depressed. If you need to vent, log in to the Canteen Community and post your comments or questions, or read about how other young people in situations like yours have dealt with the changes and responsibilities. Or talk to a Canteen counsellor, and ask about support services and groups that could be helpful.

Changing roles and responsibilities

Do these things sound familiar?

• You’re doing more around the house. Have you had to find the washing machine or clean the toilet yet?

• You’re home alone more (and you thought that might be fun).

• You’re looking after younger brothers and sisters.

• You have to stay with relatives and friends.

• You don’t get to spend as much time with your friends.

• You can’t remember the last home-cooked meal you had (unless you count cheese on toast). Get some tips below on helping with cooking.

Get organised

If you have taken on extra roles at home with the family, especially if you’re still at school, studying or working, being organised can help.

• You might need a weekly planner if you have a big family and you need to keep track of everyone’s schedules. The calendar on your phone might just not cope!

• Planning meals for the week will take the stress out of making dinner each night and help with the shopping.

• If you’re also responsible for doing the shopping and maybe paying bills, you might have to do a budget.

• If you can afford it, or find an organisation that offers this kind of help, get someone in to help with cleaning or ironing.

Helping with cooking

One of the (many) tasks you may have had to take on while your mum or dad is sick is cooking meals for yourself or maybe for the whole family. Before now maybe your experience in the kitchen was limited to standing in front of the fridge looking for something to snack on. Living on takeaway is okay when things are completely out of control, but cooking for yourself and your family is healthier and cheaper.

Ideas to get started

The following tips will help to make cooking a little less stressful and mealtimes a little less boring:

• If cooking is new to you find some simple recipes that don’t have too many ingredients or too much preparation. Log in to the Canteen Community and check out the forum where young people have posted recipes and tips.

•  Ask someone to show you some basic things to get started like how to turn the oven on and how to store cooked food safely – maybe ask a relative or a friend’s mum?

•  Stock up on things like pasta, bottles of pasta sauce, pizza bases and other healthy pre-prepared meals.

•  Buy some frozen meals to have as emergencies. Check out the freezer section of the supermarket – there are lots to choose from.

•  If you have to cook for the whole family reserve one ‘cooking’ day a week to make big batches of family food that can be frozen then reheated (or added to lunch boxes) without too much effort.

•  Planning your meals for the week might sound lame but can be really helpful. This will also help with the shopping.

•  Don’t stress about whether the final meal looks perfect – as long as it tastes good! Once you get into it, you may really enjoy cooking.

Tips for cooking for someone with cancer

• The smell of food can sometimes make a sick person feel worse, and make eating more difficult, so try cooking and serving food outside or place a fan behind the table so the smells are blown away.

• Some drugs and chemotherapies can make food taste metallic, so, if this is the case for mum or dad, try serving dishes with plastic utensils, chop-sticks or porcelain spoons.

• Fresh vegetables and fruits can be easier to eat when they are juiced, but some acidic juices (like tomato) can hurt if your mum or dad has sores in their mouth (this can happen from some chemotherapies). Drinking with a straw or adding aloe vera juice (you can get this from health food stores) might help.

• Getting enough protein (from nuts, beans and lentils, eggs, fish, meats and dairy products) is very important, especially when someone is ill. But, sometimes protein can be difficult to digest, so protein powder can be sprinkled on or added to most foods and non-meat sources like tofu are pretty easy to use.

• Clear broths and soups made with fresh organic ingredients can provide plenty of nutrition and are easy to eat. Make lots and freeze some for later.

• Eating favourite foods when you are sick or nauseous can sometimes turn you off them. Wait until your mum or dad feels better and then make those these dishes for a special occasion or celebration with friends and family.

• Hospital food can be awful so prepare some homemade meals that can be reheated in a microwave or eaten cold.

• Talk to your mum or dad’s treatment team and see if you can get any advice from a nutritionist at the hospital.

Helping with cleaning

Most young people don’t like cleaning their rooms, let alone the whole house! Maybe you’ve never switched on the washing machine, or scrubbed the bath?

When your mum or dad is dealing with cancer they may not be able to do all the stuff around the house they used to. Or maybe you’ve just realised that these are things you can do, so that they can focus their energy on getting well or doing things they want to do.

It’s hard to know how to do something you’ve never done before, so don’t be afraid to ask for help:

• Ask someone to show you how to work the washing machine or dishwasher – maybe a neighbour or friend’s mum.

• Ask your relatives (aunt or uncle?) which cleaning products are best for dealing with the shower screen or toilet.

• If you have a friend who you know has been doing their own ironing, get them to give you a lesson.

• Grab your iPod or turn up the speaker – it will be done before you know it!

And go easy on yourself. Don’t worry if you do it differently, or the end product is not sparkling clean or perfectly ironed.

The same rule applies if someone else – your other parent, brother or sister or another relative – is doing some of the cleaning. Be grateful rather than point out that it’s not the way mum or dad does it.

Unfortunately, cancer can come back after treatment. That’s why regular check-ups (more tests and scans!) are essential for every young person who has had cancer.

After your treatment has finished you will need to have regular check-ups with your doctor. These enable your doctor to pick up any problems or late effects related to your treatment early.

At first your appointments will be very frequent, perhaps every few weeks or months. Eventually you will only need to see your specialist about once a year.

But if you are worried about anything, or feel like you need to see the doctor in between your scheduled appointments, contact them and they will see you sooner.

What’s involved?

What’s involved in your check-up depends on what kind of cancer you had and how your treatment went.

• You might have some of the scans and tests that you had during treatment.

• Your doctor will ask questions about your physical health, and also your emotional and mental health.

• It’s okay in these appointments to talk about any problems or concerns you have in other areas of your life.

Do I have to keep having check-ups?

Yep! Going back to hospital for check-ups can be upsetting or scary. It might remind you of when you first found out you had cancer, or you might be afraid of relapse (cancer coming back). Some people feel sick as soon as they enter the hospital and smell that hospital smell.

Feeling scared or anxious is normal. It can also be irritating and inconvenient, especially if you have to travel a long distance to the hospital. But it’s important that you go so that any issues can be picked up early.

Late effects

There are some side effects from treatment that might not show up until later in life. These are called late effects and include lung, heart, kidney or liver problems, fertility issues, tooth decay and memory or concentration problems. They happen because cancer treatments can damage healthy cells as well as the cancerous ones, and this can cause health issues that don’t appear until later.

Not everyone who has had treatment will have late effects. The possible late effects depend on many different factors including:

• your cancer type and site

• what kind of treatment you had and for how long

• your age when diagnosed, and

• your overall health before cancer and now.

Ask your doctor whether you are at risk of developing any particular late effects, so you know what to look out for.

There’s no point worrying about if or when late effects might happen. The best strategy is to have regular check-ups with your doctor, and tell your doctor about any symptoms or concerns you have.

Going back to school or study (at Uni or TAFE) – or starting a new course – after you finish your cancer treatment can be challenging. But these are big parts of your life, so getting back into school or study can help you create your ‘new normal’ after cancer.

After a long time away, it’s normal to feel nervous about going back. You may feel self conscious about any physical changes and unsure how others will react.

Get prepared for your return to school or study

• Ask your parents, a friend or someone from the YCS team to visit or call the school to let them know about your cancer (if they don’t already know).

• Be prepared for people – even friends – to act a bit weird around you at first. They may not know what to say or how to act around you.

• Tell them you haven’t changed and that you just want to be a treated like normal. You can stop the whispering by letting them know what you’re willing to talk about and if it’s okay to ask you questions.

• If you’re worried about how your friends will react, catch up with them before you go back to school. Invite them over or go to the movies.

• On your first day back, have a friend meet you at school to walk in with you so that you are not the centre of attention.

Adjust your expectations

You might feel ready to jump right back into school or study and make up for lost time. But don’t be disappointed if your grades aren’t what they used to be.

This might be because you were away a lot or other issues related to your cancer or treatment. If you feel it’s harder to concentrate, or to process or remember new information talk to your teachers, parents or someone in your YCS team.

If you are in year 11 or 12 and doing your final exams, talk to your teachers or the school counsellor about ‘special consideration’.  Lots of people get special consideration for different reasons. It doesn’t have to be a big deal and you don’t have to tell everyone about it.

When you go back to Uni or TAFE, you might find it difficult to keep up because you’re still really tired or finding it hard to concentrate. Try not to stress. Study can wait until you are well again.

Your health and getting better is the most important thing at this time, and you (and your parents) might have to adjust your expectations for now.

Get some advice

Lots of other young people have been through this. Talk to someone in your YCS team or join a support group for young people with cancer to get some tips about returning to school or study after cancer. You can join Canteen’s online community for young people affected by cancer.

Many young people and families think that life will just go back to the way it was once cancer treatment ends. But you have just dealt with a life-threatening illness! Your life has seriously changed.

So rather than trying to go back to how it was before cancer you can start the next chapter in your life and create a ‘new normal’. That might mean changes to the things you do, your plans for the future and what you consider important, like:

• Focusing on the present and hoping for a good future.

• Embracing life and celebrating milestones like birthdays, anniversaries and graduations.

• Acknowledging the emotions that come with survivorship through things like anniversaries of diagnosis, or the deaths of other cancer patients.

• Joining a cancer support group or program so you can connect with other young people who understand what you’ve been through, and also share your experiences with others. You can join Canteen’s online community for young people affected by cancer.

Dealing with pressure to ‘move on’

You, your partner, your friends, your family or your boss may expect that life should just return to normal now. They might even say stuff like ‘You have to get over it’ or ‘It’s time to move on’. But it doesn’t work like that.

Tell them you need space and time to cope with it in your own way.

Take some time to acknowledge and cope with loss and change (get some tips for doing that here).

But if YOU feel like you’re not coping and thinking about cancer more than you want to, talk to someone in your YCS team or a counsellor who can help. Canteen also provides a free and confidential counselling service.

After finding out that your cancer cannot be cured and dealing with the initial shock and reactions, you may start to think about all the things that you want to do, say, sort out and get in order.

You may want to pack in as much as you can, while you can, or you may want to just enjoy the time you have with the people you love.

The important thing is to find ways to be clear about what you want.
 

Some things to think about:

• Is there something that you have always wanted to do or see?

• Are there things that you want to tell people who are close to you?

• Is there someone you would like to see?

• Are there decisions that you want to make while you are still able to?

• Are there certain things that you want to have done after you have died?

• Would you like to leave any letters or instructions for people? E.g. For special occasions that may come up in the future.

• Do you want to plan your funeral?

• Have you made a Will?

• Have you made decisions about treatment at the end of life – and made sure your family know your wishes?

If you’re able to talk openly about how you feel to your family and close friends, they will probably be relieved and able to respond. You only need to share as much as you want to share – and when you feel ready.
 

In the advanced stages of cancer, there are many (often difficult) decisions that need to be made about treatment.

Things like:

• what sort of treatment will be given (if any)

• where you will have treatment

• when to stop treatment

• whether antibiotics should be taken if there’s an infection, or whether there should be resuscitation if breathing stops.

These are all things that need to be discussed with your YCS team and your family and loved ones.

It’s not easy, but it’s important to talk about them and make sure your treatment team and family/partner know what you want.

This can prevent more stress for them when decisions need to be made.

Who makes the decision?

• If you are over the age of 16, you have the right to make independent decisions about your medical treatment.

• If you are younger, you might still be able to make those decisions, if your medical team believes you understand the consequences of those decisions.

• If you have an opinion about something or don’t agree with a decision, let your family and medical team know. Talking through strategies with someone who is independent – like a friend, social worker or counsellor – may help a lot in this situation.

There is no right or wrong way to deal with the news that your cancer can’t be cured.

You’ll probably feel many big emotions, some that you might expect and others you won’t, and sometimes they will be overwhelming.

Common emotions include:

• Anger – about what is going to happen, about what you think you should have done to prevent or fight your cancer, or at the whole world because it’s unfair that this is happening to you. This is completely okay. Sometimes underneath the anger are other feelings like denial or fear.  Working out what you’re angry about and finding ways to express anger will help you to focus on the things that are important to you.

• Sadness – about all the things you won’t get to do and the things that your family will miss out on sharing with you.

• Denial – which can be a way to protect yourself from thinking about and dealing with stuff that is just too hard, by continuing to tell yourself and others that your cancer can be cured and that everything will be okay. But it can stop you from doing and saying the things that you want to do before your cancer advances.

• Frustration – because you feel like you have no control over what is going to happen. However you can find ways to control some aspects of what is going on, like where you are treated and how you want to spend your time.

• Fear - being really scared about dying is very normal. Having the right information can help you deal with fear and minimise the freak outs.

• Guilt – about how your family is coping or will cope, and that you are causing them a huge amount of pain. You might also feel guilty because so much time and attention is focussed on you and your needs, particularly if you have other brothers and sisters. Discussing these feelings with your family can help.

Dealing with this news is really hard. Don’t try to do it alone. Find people who you can talk to and who will be honest with you. This may be family or friends or it may be easier to talk to someone outside your family, like a member of your YCS team or a counsellor. Canteen also offers a free and confidential counselling service.

Top ‘things to remember’ from those who have been through it

• It’s not your fault your sister or brother is sick.

• Feel what you need to feel. If you want to cry, cry. If you want to scream, scream.

• You can’t control what will happen. Try to focus on the present and take every day as it comes.

• It is not your responsibility to be perfect all the time. You can’t make up for what your sister or brother can’t do.

• Avoid the ‘coulda, woulda, shouldas’. It doesn’t help to dwell on the things you could have done differently.

• There ARE people out there who understand what you’re going through. You can find some in the Canteen Community.

Things you can try:

• Talk to someone. Expressing how you are feeling is better than bottling it all up.

• Get all the info you can, so you know what’s happening to your sister or brother & what to expect & feel more in control.

• Take a break. Go out with your friends, laugh and forget about things for a while.

• Whenever possible, keep doing the things you love doing – playing sport, hanging out with friends, listening to music.

• Get organised, especially if you have taken on extra roles. Things like a weekly planner and a to-do list can really make things more manageable.

• Offload some of the things that you have to do – ask for help. This can be really hard but is important. See Getting help & support.

• Write stuff down. Write a journal, a blog, letters, songs or poems. Keep them to yourself, or share them with other young people in the Canteen Community.

• Exercise. Go for a walk or a run, or to a yoga class. Meet some mates and kick the footy around. Exercise can release ‘feel good’ hormones in your body.

• Take up a new hobby or learn something new so you have something to focus on other than cancer.

• Find a ‘safe’ place – somewhere you can escape to when it’s crazy at home, like a friend’s or neighbour’s place.

• Meditate. Try to focus only on your breath for about 15 minutes.