People feel and show grief in many different ways. Some feel extreme sadness and cry a lot. Others feel out of control and angry. Some people say they have a hard time sleeping and eating, while others experience exactly the opposite and want to sleep or eat all the time. Some people get headaches or other physical symptoms like losing or gaining weight, body aches and pains, feeling out of breath or stomach upsets.

There are so many ways to express grief including: crying, wanting to be alone/not wanting to talk to anyone, talking a lot, being silent, laughing, wanting to party, needing to do lots of physical activities, sleeping a lot, listening to the same song (often on repeat), not wanting to change anything in the house, wanting to move away from where you live, throwing things out, sleeping with something that belongs to, or reminds you of, your mum or dad or brother or sister, talking to the person who has died, calling their mobile phone so you can hear their voice and doing activities that remind you of them.

There is no right or wrong way to feel or express grief, it’s just important to look after yourself.

When you lose someone you love

When someone you love dies your life is changed forever. Understanding those changes, getting used to them and adjusting to them can take a really long time.

It doesn’t matter how long it was before you found out that your mum or dad or brother or sister was going to die from their cancer, nothing could have prepared you for when it actually happened, or for what you’re going through now.
 

What’s normal?

There is no such thing as a ‘normal’ way to grieve. Everyone in your family will do it a bit differently, even though you are grieving for the same person. In most cases we grieve the same way we live:

• If you are the type of person who tackles problems head on and just gets on with it then you will probably grieve in the same way.

• If you are quiet and withdrawn and tend to keep things to yourself, then you will probably cope with your grief in that way.

When you are grieving, it is normal for everyday things to seem hard and for you to have a heap of mixed and really strong emotions. And this might go on for a long time. That’s why grief and depression sometimes get confused.
 

How long will it last?

How it feels and how long it lasts is different for everyone and can depend on a number of things, including your relationship to the person who died, what else is happening in your life and the type of support you have.
 

Things that might happen:

• It may shock you how long your grief lasts. You might expect to get back to ‘normal’ in a few weeks or months and then get angry and frustrated when that doesn’t happen. Other people may also expect you to ‘move on’ and this can put extra pressure on you.

• You may never really get over the death of someone you love – but you do learn to live with it and it becomes a part of who you are. You will still have moments of sadness but they won’t last as long or throw you as much.

• You might have periods when you feel like it’s all calm and good and then suddenly get hit by a wave of grief all over again. Sometimes you can predict and plan for the event that might trigger another wave – like a birthday, anniversary, or school event – but sometimes it just hits you without warning, when you hear a song, smell something or see someone who reminds you of your parent or brother or sister.

Taking care of your mind after loss

What goes on in your head can have a huge impact on happens in your body. Grief can bring stress and painful thoughts, so taking care of your mind is really important.
 

• Learn how to relax.

• Take time to chill with your friends.

• Deal with the small stuff so that you don’t spend time and energy worrying about it.

• Talk to people about how you are feeling.

• Write your thoughts and feelings down. Try journaling or share with others in Canteen’s online community.

• Find ways to laugh – go to a funny movie or catch up with a friend who always cracks you up.

• Connect with other young people who are in the same situation and understand what you’re going through. Log in to the Canteen Community, chat to a Canteen counsellor or find out more about our support groups and programs.

Taking care of your body after loss

When you are grieving it’s easy to stop taking care of yourself. You may just want to lie on the couch and eat chips.

But looking after your physical and mental health will give you the strength you need to deal with your grief.
 

• Eat well. If your appetite is down, try several small meals throughout the day instead of three big ones.

• Get plenty of sleep. If you’re having trouble sleeping, try meditation, listening to music, a warm shower or bath or herbal drink before you go to bed.

• Try to keep up with sport or regular exercise.

• Stay away from drugs and alcohol.

Most of your friends probably know that your parent or sibling has been having cancer treatment. But having to tell them that your loved one has died and face their questions about how you’re handling it is not easy.

It’s up to you to decide who to tell, and when you’re ready. You might be holding off telling some or all of your friends because you’re worried about how they will react or that you might get upset when you start talking about it. But telling your friend what’s happened and how you’re feeling about it can be a huge relief and give you a different perspective.

Even if you’re not ready to tell people, you may get hit with a question about how your parent or sibling is going and then have to tell them – so it’s a good idea to be prepared with some answers.

How to tell them

Most people aren’t too comfortable talking about death. Have a think about what you’re going to say before you talk to them. You can even practice by writing it down first. When you tell someone your parent or sibling has died they may be shocked and not know what to say or do. They might be worried about saying the wrong thing or upsetting you, so say nothing. They might say something dumb or ask you a question that upsets you. Keep in mind that they most likely don’t mean to upset or annoy you – they don’t understand what you’re going through and are probably just concerned and trying to be supportive.

Helpful tip: Talk to one of your closest friends and ask them to help you in telling others and to be the main contact with your peer group at work, school, sport or other social groups.

If it’s too hard to talk

Sometimes talking is too hard, but you still want your friends to know what’s happened and how you are feeling. You can try putting it in an email, start a blog or website or keep people posted via Facebook. Or tell them about this website where they can read about the kinds of things you’re going through and ways they can support you.
 

Want some ideas or advice?

Join Canteen’s Community to connect with other bereaved young people or talk to a counsellor.

When you are grieving you may wish the rest of the world would stop, but it doesn’t. On top of all the emotions you’re dealing with, you may have to deal with the practical things that have to be done when someone dies as well as chores around the house like cooking, cleaning and paying bills.

It is okay to get angry about the changes and finding yourself suddenly responsible for looking after yourself, and maybe a whole family. You may feel like your normal life has been stolen from you. This isn’t fair and definitely not what you asked for.

Check out the tips below or you can also connect with other young people who’ve been through it using our online community where you can also chat to a Canteen counsellor.

Dealing with funerals

One of the first and saddest things is thinking about their funeral. In many cases (especially if you’re younger), other people might organise the funeral. But it is important to know about what is happening so that you can be part of the planning if you wish or have to make any decisions.

A funeral is a very personal occasion. There is no ‘right’ way to do it. Your family’s cultural and religious traditions might play a part in how it goes. If you had a chance to talk about it before they died, your mum or dad or sister or brother may have given you some ideas about what they would like before they died. Your family will probably start to plan a funeral within a couple of days after your mum or dad or sister or brother dies. But there’s no rush, it doesn’t have to happen straight away.

Most families choose to use a funeral director to help them organise the day. They can help you decide things like:

• Will it be a burial or cremation?

• When and where will the service be? It can be anywhere – like the beach, a footy field or your garden.

• Who will lead it? It doesn’t have to be a religious service if that’s not you.

• Who will speak at the service? You can read letters from your sibling, poems or bits from the books or movies they liked. Don’t be afraid to make people laugh.

• What sort of casket or coffin? Who will carry it?

• What personal touches – like music, flowers, photos or booklets – can you add that show the person’s personality?  Cover their grave in cricket balls instead of flowers?

• Will there be a ‘wake’ after the service? This is a gathering that could be anything from a cup of a tea and a biscuit to a raging party.

If you want to be involved in the funeral, make sure you tell your family. You might like to do a special reading, write a letter or poem or just talk about your mum or dad or sister or brother and share your memories. You could also help to choose the music or put together some photos.

What if I don’t want to go?

Many young people find that it helps them to go to their parent’s or sibling’s funeral to celebrate their life and share their sadness with their family and friends. But if you don’t want to go to the funeral, there are other ways you can say goodbye. You could plant a tree, tie a message to a balloon and let it go, or visit a special place you used to go together.

This is one of the biggest and hardest things that will ever happen to you, so don’t feel like you have to behave a certain way, or say particular things. Let your feelings come when they come.

Coping with school or uni after loss

Continuing or returning to school, uni, TAFE or work after someone you love has died can be really hard. But after everything you’ve been through, and thinking about nothing but cancer for days or weeks, getting back into study or work may help you get back to some sort of ‘normal’.

Don’t push yourself. Grieving can be exhausting both emotionally and physically, leaving you with little energy for anything else. Take some time out to look after yourself, and you can catch up on school/study/work later.

You may have difficulty concentrating on school, uni or work because you are grieving and there are heaps of changes in your life.

You may:

• be tired because you are doing extra things around the house or you are having trouble sleeping.

• have less time to get study or work done because you have to do extra things at home.

• find that you just can’t get motivated anymore.

• find that your work is not up to its usual standard.

• have to deal with friends and teachers acting weird.

When you’re ready to go back to school, uni or work:

• If possible, get someone to visit or call  to let them know your mum or dad or brother or sister has died so you don’t have to tell people.

• Be prepared for people – even friends – to act a bit weird around you at first. You can stop them whispering about you behind your back by being upfront about what’s happened and letting them know it’s okay to ask questions. (Or telling them you’re not ready to talk about it yet.)

• On your first day back, have a friend walk in with you so that you are not the centre of attention.

If you’re finding it hard, let your teachers or manager know so they will cut you some slack. You don’t have to pretend everything is okay. If you are doing exams you may be able to apply for special consideration if you have missed work or you are just having a hard time coping with it all. Talk to your teachers, the school counsellor or a Canteen staff member who can organise this for you.

Dealing with legal issues after loss

If your mum or dad has died, they should have had a Will – a legal document that states what a person wants to happen to their money and property after they die. It can also outline what will happen to their children. If you have had the opportunity to talk about these things before your mum or dad died then what is in the Will won’t be a surprise and there may already be a plan in place for what will happen to you and your brothers and sisters.

If your mum or dad hadn’t made a Will you may need to get legal advice on how these things get sorted out. If it’s not clear or there are arguments about what should happen, then it is important to find people you trust to talk about it and get legal advice. If possible, avoid making big decisions and big changes in the first weeks after your parent has died. In fact, there is evidence that says you shouldn’t do this in the first year – although this may not be possible. Apart from the added stress, you may not be able to think clearly and end up making decisions that are not right for you and other family members.

Dealing with financial issues after loss

After a family member dies, you may have to deal with medical and funeral bills, various forms and paperwork, and take on the family budget.

You may have already been dealing with financial issues, banking, health funds, Centrelink, Medicare and other Government Departments and have some understanding of how these work and people who can continue to help you.

If not, there are all sorts of financial assistance and advice available. Sometimes it’s a matter of knowing what questions to ask and who to ask.

This Australian Government website provides information about payments, counselling and financial services to help people adjust to life after someone close to them has died.

Managing the family budget

You may suddenly find yourself responsible for managing the family finances. This could be as simple as having to do the weekly shopping or it may mean having to look after the budget and bills for the whole family.

First step is working out your budget: knowing how much you have to spend and what you need to spend it on.

Here are a few tips:

• List all the things that you need to buy and pay for on either a monthly or weekly basis.

• Always put aside money for the essential things first, like food, rent/mortgage payments, electricity and health care.

• Get a calendar and write on it when the regular bills come in and need to be paid.

• When you are doing the shopping, make a list and stick to it. Having a trolley full of chips and ice cream and no money for meat and veggies (and no toilet paper) isn’t so smart.

• Another way to avoid the ‘lots of food but nothing to eat’ trap is to work out what you are going to eat/cook for the week, make a list of all the things you need and only buy that.

• Supermarkets are cheaper than convenience stores.

Don’t put the bills in the top drawer or on the fridge and then forget about them. Note on your calendar when they need to be paid.

Cooking for yourself and your family

If your parent or sibling has been sick for a while, you may have already mastered some kitchen basics. If not, then it may be quite a shock to you if you now have to cook for yourself or the rest of the family. Living on takeaway is okay when things are completely out of control, but cooking for yourself and your family is healthier and cheaper.

Ideas to get started:

The following tips will help to make cooking a little less stressful and mealtimes a little less boring:

• If cooking is new to you, find some simple recipes that don’t have too many ingredients or too much preparation. You can even log in to the Canteen Community and ask other young people for ideas.

• Ask someone to show you some basic things to get started like how to turn the oven on and how to store cooked food safely – maybe ask a relative or a friend’s parent?

• Stock up on things like pasta, bottles of pasta sauce, pizza bases and other healthy pre-prepared meals.

• Buy some frozen meals to have as emergencies. Check out the freezer section of the supermarket – there are lots to choose from.

• If you have to cook for the whole family, reserve one ‘cooking’ day a week to make big batches of family food that can be frozen then reheated (or added to lunch boxes) without too much effort.

• Planning your meals for the week might sound lame but can be really helpful. This will also help with the shopping.

• Don’t stress about whether the final meal looks perfect – as long as it tastes good! Once you get into it, you may really enjoy cooking.

Family relationships

All of your relationships are going to be affected by the death of your mum or dad or sister or brother, but especially the relationships with and between your family members.

You’re all grieving, and that can put a strain on all your interactions with each other. Everyone grieves in different ways and this can cause conflict.

It’s really important to respect each other and allow others to do whatever helps them to deal with their grief. If you’re worried that someone isn’t coping, reach out someone like a family friend or a Canteen counsellor.

If family members are questioning the way you’re handling it, try not to get angry or defensive. Let them know, somehow, that the death of your mum or dad or sister or brother is having a huge impact on you.

It might seem that other family members (or even friends) are trying to replace the connection you had with the person you lost. This may make you angry – no one can replace them.

But remember that they may just be trying to make sure that you have support when you need it. Just let them know when you think they have over-stepped the mark.
 

New partners, new families

If your Mum or Dad has died, at some stage in the future you may have to deal with your other parent thinking about, or in fact doing something about, finding a new partner.

This may cause all sorts of conflicting emotions and challenges. While you may understand, in your head, their right to do this, in your heart it might be a whole different story.

You can read more about issues with new partners and blended families, and tips for negotiating all the changes, in Canteen’s free book Now what? Living with the death of your parent or sibling which you can download or order here. Or log in to the Canteen Community and read other young people’s stories and forums about their experiences.
 

Relationships with your friends

When someone in your family dies, you may find that even your closest friends have no idea what to say or do. They may even avoid you as they are scared of saying the wrong thing.

Things to remember

• You may have to make the first move. As unfair as it may seem, you may have to help your friends understand what you’re going through. Let them know that you are okay to talk about your situation (or that you’re not yet).

• You may have to tell them how they can help and be there for you.

• They don’t mean to upset you. If they say stuff that really annoys you or makes you angry keep in mind they aren’t doing it on purpose; it’s just that they don’t understand.

• Your friends have their own lives. It may seem that your friends are just getting on with their lives without you and you feel a little left out. They may not understand that you can’t ‘just get over it’. Because you often grieve in private, your friends may forget that you are in fact grieving.

Changing friendships

You may lose some friends along the way. You have been through some massive changes in your life and might find you are not as interested in what your friends talk about anymore. But this may have happened anyway, cancer or no cancer.

You may want to connect with other young people who have experienced the death of a parent or brother or sister. It may be easier to talk to them about what is happening to you because they understand. Having supportive people in your life is important when you are grieving.

Read other young people’s stories and connect with them online by joining the Canteen Community, or talk to a Canteen counsellor.

How do you possibly say goodbye to your sister or brother?? Saying what you want to say and letting them know what they mean to you doesn’t mean you are admitting defeat or ready to let go.

You don’t have to think of it as ‘saying goodbye’, but more like saying ‘you matter to me’.

Tips from other young people who’ve been through this 

• Don’t wait and don’t hold back. You don’t know when the last minute will be. In lots of different ways, a little bit at a time, let your sibling know how you feel…

• Thank you for… / I’m sorry that… / I forgive you for… / What I’ll miss most is… / I’m proud of you for… If it’s hard to say it, write them a letter, an email, a card, a story or a poem. Draw a picture, make a collage, find songs that say it for you. You might feel embarrassed. It might be a bit uncomfortable. It will probably make you both cry. You just might be glad later that you did.

• Just hang out together. If you can, make the most of the time you have with your sister or brother, you will probably really cherish this time. Try to think of things you can still do together. You might be able to play a board game, watch a movie, or read the paper or a book to them.

• Make some one-on-one time. There might be lots of people around helping and wanting to spend time with your sister or brother. But it’s okay to demand a bit of alone time with them. You will value this time in the future.

• Throw a farewell party? If it’s their style, and if they feel up to it, you could think about having a ‘living funeral’ – where the guest of honour gets to be there. Get their family and friends around and have a party, say nice things, eat some food, drink some drink and crank up the iPod.

Create memories and stories

The memories and stories you have about your brother or sister are really precious. Looking back in the future, you’ll probably find it’s the little details you remember about your sibling that mean the most to you. There’s no such thing as too much information. You could ask them:

• What are your dreams?

• What are your hopes for me?

• What do you remember about when we were kids?

• What did you want to be when you grew up?

• What is your favourite memory?

• What is your favourite place?

Don’t trust your brain. Get this stuff down onto paper or into the computer.

Other ways to collect some memories

•  Put together a photo album. Write little captions about what you remember about each picture.

• Make a video or voice recording of stories and shared memories.

• Make a memory box or scrapbook. Collect things that are special to your sibling and remind you of them – like photos, concert tickets, cards, clothes or jewellery.

• Make a CD or playlist of their favourite songs.

• Make a cookbook of their favourite recipes.

• Let them live on, online. Create a website and put up photos, videos, stories, messages.

There are lots of ideas for collecting memories in Canteen’s free book ‘Now what? When your sibling’s cancer can’t be cured’ which you can download or order here.

Don't try to do it alone

This is a really tough time, and you may feel completely alone and unsure about what to do next. It can help to talk to other young people who have lost their sister or brother to cancer and find out what they did, or would have done differently. Log in to the Canteen Community. Our counsellors can give you some advice for getting through this too.

Most people have never heard of palliative care until someone they know needs it. If your sister or brother needs it, usually they and your parent/s will consider the options and make decisions. But you may like to understand what it is and what’s going to happen next.
 

What is palliative care?

The focus of treatment so far has been on fighting the cancer. With palliative care, the focus will shift towards relieving your sister’s or brother’s symptoms so they can feel as happy and comfortable as possible.

Starting palliative care doesn’t necessarily mean your sister or brother is going to die soon. It does mean that their cancer can’t be cured and they are likely to die from it at some stage. It’s not about ending life early (this is euthanasia and is illegal in Australia) and it’s not about prolonging life at all costs. It’s about looking at your sister’s or brother’s physical, practical, emotional and spiritual needs to help them (and your family) make the most of the life they have left, however long that is. Don’t count the days, they say, make the days count.

Being referred to palliative care will most likely be a really tough time for your sister or brother and your whole family. It’s hard to shift your focus from expecting your sister or brother to get better to accepting they probably won’t, and start dealing with new people and a new system. Your sister or brother can receive palliative care at home, in hospital, or in a special hospice. The decision will depend on factors like the type of care they need, where you live and what your family feels comfortable with.
 

But it looks like they are getting better?

Often when cancer treatments are stopped and palliative care begins, people start to look a bit better – your sister’s or brother’s hair might start to grow back and they may even have more energy. The treatments probably made them quite weak and ill so when they are stopped, their body starts to recover from the side effects. But unfortunately, the cancer is still there.

There will likely be some good days and some bad days. Take it day by day and, if you can, try to get the most out of the good days together!

Get support

The palliative care team should include a social worker and/or psychologist who can help you and your family talk about your fears and feelings, connect you with support services and tell you about services to help at home. And you can contact a Canteen counsellor for a confidential chat online or by phone.