Usually people think of grief only as something you experience after someone you love dies. It’s possible to feel grief when you know you are about to lose something that is important to you, before it happens. This is called ‘anticipatory grief’ and often happens when someone you love is expected to die.

Waiting for your sister’s or brother’s death to happen – and knowing you cannot stop it – can be just as painful and hard to deal with as the death itself. It can be really confusing, with heaps of mixed feelings and you might not be sure how you’re supposed to act.

There will be lots of sadness, but there will be good days too – make the most of them. Everyone in your family is experiencing their own feelings of loss and grief, but they may be showing it in different ways. They may also be trying to hide it. You might find it really scary or upsetting to see your parents so stressed. And you might miss the way things used to be. But grief is normal and things will eventually settle down.

It can be important that you try to understand and get a handle on your grief so that you have the energy to make the most of your time with your sister or brother and say the things you need to say. It can help to talk to a counsellor or connect with other young people who understand what you’re going through in the Canteen Community.

There is no right or wrong way to feel or act when you’ve been told your sister or brother is dying. It sucks, and you can deal with it however you need to (as long as you don’t hurt yourself or anyone else). If you’ve been hanging on to the hope that their cancer will be cured and life will go back to the way it was before, the news they may not get better will really rattle you. This could be a time of great uncertainty and fear. You may not know for sure what is actually going on or what you’re supposed to do now.

Get all the information

Getting the right information is so important. It can help you understand what is going to happen to your sister or brother so you can support them and be prepared for it yourself.

What you might be feeling

During this time you and your family will face a lot of new challenges and you may go through lots of different emotions. Some of the feelings you had when you first found out about their cancer may come back, plus there may be some new ones, like:

• Shock/disbelief – you can’t believe that this is really happening.

• Denial – pretending everything’s normal might be easier than accepting that your sister or brother might die. It’s a way of coping and can give you some time to come to terms with what’s happening. But if it continues it can get in the way of you dealing with the reality and getting support you might need.

• Empty/numb. This doesn’t mean that you don’t care – it might just be your way of protecting yourself.

• Guilt. You might feel guilty that you didn’t help enough, or about all of the fights and nasty things you’ve said or thought about your sister or brother. It’s not your fault that any of this is happening.

• Fear – Not knowing what’s going to happen is very scary. You probably also have lots of fears about the future – What will my family be like without them? Will my parents ever be happy again? Will I ever feel happy again?

• Anger – What is happening is so unfair and you have a right to be mad! But try to find positive ways to release your anger and stress.

• Sadness and despair – Thinking about your future without your sister or brother in it can be desperately, heartbreakingly sad. Despair is when you feel utterly hopeless and lost. If you feel like this, it can be really helpful to talk to someone you trust about it.

• Hope. You can shift your hope from hoping your sister or brother would get better, to hoping that they will make it to Christmas, or that you can have one more family holiday together.

A lot of how you deal with this news might depend on how those around you are dealing with it. However you feel, you’re not the first or only one. Log in to the Canteen Community to chat with and read stories by other young people whose sister or brother has cancer or has died from cancer. Or talk to a Canteen counsellor about what you’re going through.

While you, and everyone else, are worried about your sister or brother it is really important that you find ways to look after yourself and make some time for you too.

It’s not selfish – if you don’t take care of yourself then you can’t take care of anyone else. You’ll need all your strength to help your family get through the tough times.

Taking care of your body

The basics:

• Eat well throughout the day. Your body needs the right fuel – regularly – to keep running.

• Get plenty of sleep.

• Get regular exercise.

• Stay away from drugs and alcohol.

Sounds simple, but easier said than done, with everything else going on in your life right now.
 

Taking care of your mind

What goes on in your head can have a huge impact on happens in your body. Stress does weird stuff to you, so taking care of your mind is really important.

• A Canteen counsellor can help you develop coping strategies.

• Take time to chill with your friends.

• Deal with the small stuff so that you don’t spend time and energy worrying about it.

• Talk to people about how you are feeling.

• Write your thoughts and feelings down.

• Laugh.

• Connect with other young people who are in a similar situation and understand what you’re going through. Log in to the Canteen Community or find out more about our support groups and programs.

Things that won’t help

• Behaving badly or doing risky things. Swearing, biting your parent’s head off, skipping school, driving too fast/recklessly and isolating yourself from friends are ‘unhealthy’ outlets for frustration and stress.

• Using drugs, alcohol or smoking might seem like a way to block out the hard feelings. But it can actually make the stresses of cancer even harder to deal with. After a drugs or drinking session lots of people feel really down for days afterwards. This can make everything feel a little bit harder.

• Hurting yourself or others. It’s normal to feel p*ssed off. But there are safe ways to vent it without taking it out on yourself or others. If you hurt yourself, or have before and are worried you may do it again, tell someone you trust. There are lots of things that can help, including talking to a counsellor.

All your relationships will be affected in some way by having a brother or sister with cancer. Roles change, and relationships with your parents and other sisters and brothers might become more strained or your family might be drawn closer together.

An older sister or brother might start becoming really bossy and protective, which can be frustrating. You might resent having to be the ‘strong one’ all the time, or having to look after other siblings and stuff like cooking and paying bills because your parents are focussed on your sister or brother with cancer.

My relationship with my brother or sister

Just because your brother or sister is sick doesn’t mean that all of a sudden your relationship will be perfect. It’s likely that they will still p*ss you off sometimes. You might be drawn closer together. Or you may find that you prefer to stay away and carry on with your normal things. It’s very common to feel anger or resentment towards your sibling when they are sick; for taking away the normality of your family life and having the entire focus on them all the time. You probably feel guilty for thinking like that, but these feelings are normal.

It can help to talk to someone non-judgemental, like a Canteen counsellor, or connect with other young people who’ve been through this in the Canteen Community.

My relationship with my parents

Your parents are dealing with a whole heap of stuff – their own emotions, worrying about your brother or sister and the rest of the family, and fretting about medical bills or getting time off work. As a result, they may be tired, stressed and cranky.

If your mum or dad is spending a lot of time at the hospital with your brother or sister you may be missing them (particularly if you live with only one parent or are closer to the one who’s always away). They might become overprotective and start treating you like a little kid, or it might feel like they’re not interested in you at all.

It’s okay to tell your parents that you still need things from them and ask if you can make a time to talk. If it’s really hard to bring up difficult topics with your parents, try writing a letter/email or text. This can be particularly difficult if your parents have separated or are divorced and don’t live together in the same house as you. It may take some adjusting to how your family deals with it and how cancer treatment schedules might impact your visitation schedules.  Join or log in to the Canteen Community to read other young people’s advice on how they got through it.

My relationships with other siblings

If you have other sisters and/or brothers, you may feel closer to them and they might be a really important source of support. They may be the only ones who really get how hard it is because they’re living it with you. But if you never got along well with your brother or sister, the stresses of cancer probably won’t improve that.

My relationship with my friends

A lot of friends don’t really understand the whole cancer thing and don’t know what it’s like to have a sister or brother who is sick. Even though you get that, you might feel really hurt and let down when your friends aren’t there for you in the way you would like.

If your friends are staying away, it doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t care. Maybe they just don’t know what to say or do.

• Your friends might be worried about saying the wrong thing, so they say nothing.

• They don’t know if it’s okay to mention cancer or ask about your sister or brother. You might have to start the ball rolling.

• They might ask tough – or stupid – questions. But remember all the things you didn’t know about cancer before your sister or brother got it.

• They think their lives are boring and unimportant compared to yours and don’t know if they should talk about normal things.

• This is new territory for your friends. Before you had this experience you might have acted the same way.

• They might say something that annoys or upsets you – but remember they didn’t mean to; it’s usually because they don’t understand.

Stay in touch

Try to stay in touch with your friends. Let them know that even if you can’t always go out, you still like to be invited to things. It’s important to have some fun and take your mind off things sometimes.

Be as open as you can with your friends. If you don’t feel like telling the same story a hundred times, you could keep everyone updated on what’s going on with your sister or brother through Facebook, start a blog or send group emails or texts.
 

Friends may change

You might find that you lose some friendships along the way. You are going through some massive changes in your life and you might find you are not as interested in what your friends talk about anymore.

You may even have to deal with some friends bullying or excluding you, and decide they are not worth the hassle. This may have happened anyway, cancer or no cancer.

Common experiences often lead to new friendships. Many young people say that the best kind of support comes from meeting and talking to other young people who have been through similar experiences. It can be a huge relief to realise you are not the only person who has a sister or brother with cancer – and to hear how other people deal with it.

Canteen brings together young people who have similar experiences in their family with cancer both online and through face-to-face activities all over the country. Find out more about our peer support groups and programs.

You can also read other young people’s stories and connect with them online by joining the Canteen Community.

It can be really hard to ask for support. You might not be able to find the right words, feel embarrassed or scared of getting upset. Talking things through can be a big relief. It can help to put things into perspective and sort things out in your head. It can also help you feel less alone. Your first step in getting support is being willing to give it a try. The second step is finding the right person.

Who can you get support from?

Sometimes it feels like there are people all around you, but no one really gets it, that there’s no one who can understand what you are going through. You may have to look beyond your family and friends. It may take a few shots at finding the right person, but it’s worth making the effort.

A lot of young people say the best support comes from others who have been in the same boat. Log in to the Canteen Community to connect with other young people dealing with a sibling’s cancer.

If you feel like you want to talk to someone outside your family and circle of friends, a counsellor is always a good option. You might be thinking, ‘Nope, that’s not for me!’. But counselling might not be what you think. Counsellors are trained people who are very good at listening to what you have to say and helping you to make sense of it.

Contact a Canteen counsellor for a confidential chat online, by phone, or you can meet face to face. Or ask a member of your brother’s or sister’s treatment team, your GP or social worker at the hospital for help finding the right counsellor.
 

Other support

Canteen provides a range of other support services to help you cope with a brother or sister’s cancer. You can:

• read or download our guide to dealing with a brother or sister’s cancer
• try using a mindfulness app as part of a Canteen study
• attend a Canteen Recreation Day or camp

Financial help

As well as the physical impact on your brother or sister, and the emotional burden on them and you, cancer often has a big financial impact on families.

On top of the treatment costs, there may be a big change in your family’s financial situation if one or both your parents can’t work. If you live in a rural or regional town the costs of travelling for treatment – including petrol, accommodation and eating out – can be very expensive.

There is all kinds of assistance available, it’s just a matter of knowing who and what to ask. In many families, mum, dad or another close, ‘older’ adult, like a grandparent or aunt will help with these matters, but, sometimes, the responsibility may fall on you.

There’s no shame in applying for assistance – it is there for all people in your situation no matter what your family’s financial situation was like before your brother or sister was diagnosed.

The Australian government (through Centrelink) and other organisations provide assistance for people who have to stop work because of their cancer, or to care for someone with cancer. It’s worth checking out what’s available to your family.
 

Your family may also be able to get help with things like:

• Rent assistance
• Pharmaceutical allowance
• Concessions cards
• Parking vouchers at the hospital
• Accommodation during treatment
• Transport costs to and from the hospital.

If financial things have become a challenge, it’s important to know that there are these kinds of support services and allowances from the government. It can be difficult to work out if your family qualifies, or how to fill out applications.

To get more information talk to the social worker at your brother’s or sister’s hospital.
 

If you'd like to talk to someone about support dealing with a brother or sister's cancer, call us on 1800 945 215.

How do you possibly think about saying goodbye to your mum or dad?? But if you know they are likely to die soon, you have the chance to say things you want to say and ask your mum or dad about what they want to happen after they die. 

How do you know when it’s time?

No one can tell you exactly when your parent is going to die. So, how do you prepare to say goodbye? It might seem a bit embarrassing to have big deep and meaningfuls and tell your mum or dad all your deepest secrets when they might still be around for months or years. Or you might be worried that they will think you have lost hope if you start talking about life without them.

But now, more than ever, you will both benefit by knowing how much you love each other.

Tips from other young people who’ve been through this:
 

Don’t let things go unsaid

It may not be easy to talk openly about your feelings, especially right now. Here are some ideas to get you started: Thank you for… I’m sorry that… I love you because … I feel proud when you … I forgive you for… I hope that… If only… What scares me the most is… A favourite memory I have is… You make me laugh when… I’ll miss you. I know that this is really hard for you too. I will be OK. I will get through this somehow. Do you have any advice for me in the future? What are your hopes and dreams for me?  
 

Just hang out together

If you can, make the most of the time you have with your parent, you will probably really cherish this time. Try to think of things you can still do together. You might be able to play a board game, watch a movie, read the paper or a book to them, or get them to help you with your homework.  
 

Make some one-on-one time

There might be lots of people around helping and wanting to spend time with your parent. But it’s okay to demand a bit of alone time with your mum or dad. You will value this time in the future.
 

Create memories and stories

Often when a person is dying, they like to reflect on their past and think of their achievements so that they can see that their life has been important. If your mum or dad feels up to it, you could sit down and talk about their favourite memories and look back over their life. You could also ask them to tell you about their thoughts and dreams for you and your future. You might like to record these somehow so that when those big events happen – your graduation, your wedding, having kids – you can remember the conversations you had and feel like your mum or dad is part of them. If you have the opportunity now, you might be able to start collecting things that will help to remind you of them in the future. This might be something you can do together. There are lots of ideas for collecting memories and preparing – as hard as it is – for your mum’s or dad’s death in Canteen’s free book ‘Now what? When your parent’s cancer can’t be cured which you can download or order here.
 

Don’t try to do it alone

This is a really tough time, and you may feel completely alone and unsure about what to do next. It can help to talk to other young people who have lost their mum or dad to cancer and find out what they did, or would have done differently. Log in to the Canteen Community. Our counsellors can give you some advice for getting through this too.

What is palliative care?

Palliative care is aimed at improving the quality of life for your mum or dad by looking at their physical, practical, emotional and spiritual needs, and helping your family through this process. It’s not about ending life early and it’s not about prolonging life at all costs – it is about having the most comfortable and highest quality of life until death.

Starting palliative care doesn’t necessarily mean your mum or dad is going to die soon. It does mean that their cancer can’t be cured and they are likely to die from it at some stage. The focus shifts from trying to get rid of the disease (called curative treatment) to palliating symptoms (hence the name ‘palliative care’) and pain and helping them to feel as comfortable as possible. They might receive palliative care for as little as a week or for a year or more.

Being referred to palliative care will most likely be a really tough time for your mum or dad and your whole family. It’s hard to shift your focus from expecting your parent to get better to accepting they probably won’t, and start dealing with new people and a new treatment team.

Your mum or dad can receive palliative care:

• At home

• In hospital (there might be a specialist palliative care unit)

• In a hospice (a place that specialises in caring for terminally ill patients).

Sometimes people move between places depending on the type of care they need.

Depending on their needs, your parent may receive palliative care from their own GP or health care team, or they may be referred to a specialist palliative care team.

Don’t be afraid to ask questions and to lobby for the best care and support available for your mum or dad.

But it looks like they are getting better

Often when cancer treatments are stopped and palliative care begins, people start to look a bit better – your mum’s or dad’s hair might start to grow back and they may even have more energy. The treatments probably made your mum or dad quite weak and ill so when they are stopped, their body starts to recover from the side effects. But unfortunately, the cancer is still there.

There will likely be some good days and some bad days. Take it day by day and, if you can, try to get the most out of the good days together!

Get support

The palliative care team should include a social worker and/or psychologist who can help you and your family talk about your fears and feelings, connect you with support services and tell you about services to help at home. And you can contact a Canteen counsellor for a confidential chat online or by phone.

Usually people think of grief only as something you experience after someone you love dies. However, it’s possible to feel grief when you know you are about to lose something that is important to you, before it happens. This is called ‘anticipatory grief’ and often happens when someone you love is expected to die. Waiting for your mum or dad to die – and knowing you cannot stop it – can be just as overwhelming and painful as after the death has occurred. It can be a really confusing time, with many mixed feelings and you might not be sure how you’re supposed to act.

There will be lots of sadness, but there will be good days too – make the most of them.

Everyone in your family is experiencing their own feelings of loss and grief, but they may be showing it in different ways. They may also be trying to hide it. You might find it really scary or upsetting to see your parents so stressed. And you might miss the way things used to be. But grief is normal and things will eventually settle down. It can be important that you try to understand and get a handle on your grief so that you have the energy to make the most of your time with your parent and say the things you need to say. It can help to connect with other young people who have faced the same crappy outcome in our online community or in peer support groups, or to talk to one of our professional counsellors.

This is a sad and scary time, and you will need space, time and some help.

It can be really, really hard to talk about dying. You may have lots of questions, or you may not want to talk about it at all. Sometimes your mum or dad might not want to talk to you about what is happening. In some families, parents talk to one another, or other ‘older’ adults in their lives (their friends or their own parents or siblings) about what’s going on, but may not talk about ‘big issues’ with their children. In others, parents are very open communicators and talk about anything and everything with their children.

Whatever your family’s style is, if you want to talk to your mum or dad about dying or end of life issues, you may have to let them know that. If you don’t want to talk to them about it, but you want them to know how you are feeling, you can write them a card or send them a text or email (sometimes that is easier).

If you and your family can, it can be helpful to talk about things like where your parent would prefer to die, who they would like to be around them when it happens, funeral arrangements or things that might change after they die. Talking about these things does not mean that you want your parent to die or that you have given up hope. Your parent might actually be relieved that you brought the topic up. They might even feel comforted to know that you know the end is coming.

Sometimes parents try to hide things to help you cope. But tell them if you want to know everything and ask them to be as truthful as possible. Explain you need to know what’s likely to happen so you can be ready to deal with it.

End of life decisions

Every family is different. Yours might avoid talking about your parent’s death, or might be very open about it. Whether you are involved in every discussion, or have only a small part, it can be helpful to know some of the ‘end of life’ decisions your mum or dad may face if their cancer can’t be cured.

Your mum or dad has a right to make decisions about their treatment and care right up until the end of their life. It’s important to write their wishes down and to tell the medical team about them, to make sure they get followed when the time comes.
 

These decisions include:

• Making an ‘advance care directive’ to tell doctors what kind of treatments are or are not wanted, no matter how ill they become. This includes things like whether they want to go on life support.

• Deciding who will be their ‘Medical Power of Attorney’. This is a person who will make decisions for your parent if they can’t speak for themselves.

• Where would they like to die if they have a choice? (At home or in hospital are pretty common choices.)

• Would they like to donate organs if they can?

• Would they like their body to be buried or cremated?

• Do they have any ideas for their funeral?

• Do they have a Will?

• Who will look after you (if you are under 18) and your brothers and sisters after they die?

Your mum or dad might need to get legal advice about some of these issues.

Get all the information you need

Getting the right information is so important. It can help you understand what is going to happen to your mum or dad so you can support them and be prepared for it yourself. Ask as many questions as you want and as often as you want.

• Why did this happen?

• How do you know that there are no more treatments to try?

• How long do they have?

• What will happen to them? Will it hurt?

• How will we know when death is close?

• What do we do if mum/dad dies at home?

What you might be feeling

During this time you and your family will face a lot of new challenges and you may go through lots of different emotions. Some of the feelings you had when you first found out about their cancer may come back, plus there may be some new ones, like:

• Shock/disbelief –when you can’t believe that this is really happening.

• Denial – pretending everything’s normal might be easier than accepting that your parent is not going to be around forever.

• Empty/numb. This doesn’t mean that you don’t care – it might just be your way of protecting yourself.

• Guilt. You might feel guilty that you didn’t help enough, or about a fight you may have had with mum or dad. It’s not your fault that any of this is happening.

• Regret – There’s no point dwelling on the things that you could/should/would have done differently. Be kind to yourself – forget about the past and focus on now.

• Fear – No matter how brave or grown up you are, thinking about life without your parent can be scary. You may be afraid of what’s going to happen to your mum or dad, or what will happen to you.

• Anger – What is happening is so unfair and you have a right to be mad! But try to find positive ways to release your anger and stress.

• Sadness and despair – Thinking about your future without your mum or dad in it can be heartbreakingly sad. Despair is when you feel utterly hopeless and lost. If you feel like this, you need to talk to someone.

• Worry about what will happen next. Once you’ve started to process the fact that your mum or dad is going to die, you might start to wonder ‘What happens when …’, like ‘What happens when my mum/dad is not here anymore?’.

• Grief. Yes, it’s possible to feel ‘anticipatory grief’ before someone dies, and this is can be really painful. Read more about this below.

Having the right information is an important way to help you understand and cope with what’s going on. For some people having all the information is important; for others just the key bits are enough for now. Whether you want it all now or just the basics, it’s important to get accurate information from trustworthy sources and people who know about your mum’s or dad’s cancer.

You can get general information about common cancers and different treatments across the site.

Every cancer and every patient is different. So to understand your parent’s cancer and what is likely to happen to them you need to get the facts from your mum or dad, or talk to their doctor or someone in their treatment team.

Questions you might ask

Here are some questions that you may want to ask your parent, or ask their doctor, nurses or social worker. You may need to remind them to speak in plain English, not doctor language.

• What kind of cancer is it?

• What part of the body does it affect?

• Will my mum/dad get better?

• Is there a chance that I may get this cancer too?

• What treatment will they have?

• Will there be more than one type of treatment?

• How will my mum or dad feel while they are having this treatment?

• Is the cancer painful?

• Will the treatment be painful?

• How often do they get this treatment and how long will it last?

• Will it change the way my mum/dad looks, feels or acts?

• How will we know if the treatment is working?

• What will happen if the treatment doesn’t work?

• Where will they get this treatment and can I go with them?

If you have other questions, write them down or make notes on your phone so you have them ready when you next see the doctor, nurse or social worker.

There is a thing called ‘patient confidentiality’ – which means doctors and other health professionals can’t tell you about your mum’s or dad’s treatment or their prognosis (what the outcome may be) without their permission. You can ask your parents to give the doctor permission to give you information. But if your mum and dad has told the doctor that they do not want you know some things then the doctor has to obey those wishes.

What if mum or dad won't tell me

For some parents not telling the whole story is a way of trying to protect you. Try explaining to them how important it is to you to know what’s going on, so you don’t start thinking or worry about things that might be worse than reality. Get some ideas and tips for talking about cancer.

You could ask your mum or dad if you can go with them to their appointments. It can help if you are just there to hear what’s going on, and ask the doctor questions.

Their treatment team should include a social worker or psychologist at the hospital or in a community centre who can talk with you about things you’re worried about and help you find more information. As part of the family, you have the right to access these professionals on the team as well!

Beware of 'Dr Google'

If you decide to search the Internet for info about your parent’s cancer, keep in mind that while there is a lot of really good and helpful information out there, there is also a lot of weird and completely misleading stuff!

• Always check the source of the information. Look at who is behind the website and where their info is coming from. A lot of stuff on the Internet is out of date, inaccurate or may be from someone just trying to sell their ‘miracle cure’.

• Don’t believe it all. When your parent has cancer it’s natural to look for all sorts of miracle cures and treatments. But if you come across claims about treatments and cures, it’s a good idea to check with your parents or someone in their treatment team.

• Search the right stuff. There are over 100 different types of cancer. The likely outcomes are different for every cancer and different for every single person. Before you start searching, find out this important piece of info about your mum or dad’s cancer.

• Use it as a discussion starter. You could use the information you find to start a conversation with your mum or dad. You might even be better at searching than they are and come up with some questions they haven’t thought of yet.

• Stick with sites you can trust. There are many reliable cancer organisations that have accurate information about cancer, palliative care, etc. such as the Cancer Council. 

Unfortunately, there is no person, book or website that can tell you how everything is going to work out. Cancer is different for every single person. If what you’ve found raises more questions, talk to your parent/s, a member of their treatment team or a Canteen counsellor.

Why has cancer happened to my parent?

Fair question. Most people your age don’t have to deal with a parent having cancer. You might feel like it’s not fair that this has happened to your family – your mum or dad didn’t do anything to deserve cancer, you don’t know how to deal with it, and the whole situation is messed up and out of your control.

What caused it?

The causes of most cancers are unknown. However some things like smoking, being overweight, too much sun exposure, alcohol, not getting enough exercise and not having a healthy diet, may put people at a higher risk of getting certain types of cancer. Coming in contact with certain chemicals and toxins can also increase the risk. Your parent may not have had any of these ‘risk factors’, yet they still got cancer. Often there is no apparent reason for the cancer.

Things to focus on

While you’re still getting to grips with the fact your mum or dad has cancer and what that means for them and you, it helps to focus on these things:

• Many people survive cancer. There are over 250,000 people living with cancer in Australia today. Every day there are new discoveries and more effective ways of treating cancer, meaning more and more people are surviving. Even though you may be completely freaked and your parent may be quite sick, remembering this may give you some hope during tough times.

• You’re not the only one. While no one will feel exactly the same way as you, there are thousands of other young people out there who have a parent who has cancer or has survived cancer. It can help to know that others are experiencing similar things. Connect with young people who have a parent with cancer in the Canteen Community.

• It is not your fault. Your mum’s or dad’s cancer has nothing to do with anything you said, did or thought.

• Knowledge is power. Having the right information can be a big help in dealing with your parent’s cancer. Learning about the particular cancer and its treatments can take some of the fear out of it. Things imagined can often be worse than the reality.

• Hope. Hang on to hope. It doesn’t matter how dark things may get, try and find something to be hopeful for. No one can take that from you; never give it up.

Visiting them in hospital

You may be spending a lot of time visiting your mum or dad in hospital or going to their appointments with various doctors. Maybe you want to be there every step of the way, to find out what’s happening and support them; or maybe you’re over being dragged around to places and sitting in waiting rooms for hours. It helps to be patient, and be prepared – find out what there is to do at the hospital or centre you are going to, and take something to fill in the time (music to listen to, homework, your iPad).

Preparing for the hospital visit

Knowing what is happening to your mum or dad and understanding what to expect when you go to visit can help make it less stressful. Before you visit you might like to know a few things. You can get this information from your other parent, an older brother or sister or another relative:

•  Will they be connected to any machines?

•  Will they have tubes, drips or other stuff attached to them?

•  What will it smell like?

•  Am I allowed to touch them?

•  Does the medication affect their speech or hearing?

•  Will they seem a bit ‘out of it’?

Things you might do when you’re there:

• Take your homework to do while you visit – that way you have something to focus on other than all the medical stuff.

• Take in their favourite food or get take-away delivered. (Just check that they are not feeling sick because this could turn them off their favourite food forever.)

• Take your mum or dad the latest issue of their favourite magazine or a DVD to watch together.

If visiting is too hard

There may be practical reasons that make visiting hard: you have other commitments like sport training, too much schoolwork, exams or work. Visiting hours in some hospitals make it hard to fit it all in. Don’t be hard on yourself if you can’t get to visit all the time.

Sometimes you just can’t face visiting. This is OK. But you can still stay in touch by phone, text or even by writing a letter or sending a card with someone else.

If you find that you just can’t visit at all, then you may need to find someone to talk to about this, maybe a Canteen counsellor.